“Real Housewives of Atlanta” Recap: Anguilla Gets Ratchet

The beginning of the episode started out with a little unfinished business so we’re right back into that brunch scene where Kim backed out of a ladies event for the millionth time and caught the ire of all.
Kim quit the show right on the spot and she started shoving her hands in front of the cameras telling them to GTFO. Her hubby Kroy also tried to play papa bear and got buck.

This shit is tired and fake as hell because they’re not quitting reality TV. Kim’s getting her own spinoff so the cameras will be around for quite some time. Besides, how would Kim pay her bills without reality TV? Is she gonna go back to nursing? HA!

Anyway, now that the old white witch is finally dead, all of the brown girls are free to let loose and have a good time. So off to the Caribbean they go!
The ladies of Atlanta gathered up their mens and headed to the paradise in the West Indies known as Anguilla. Because the ladies were at each other’s throats last time when it was just them in South Africa, they decided to bring their boy toys along to break up some of the estrogen-fueled tension.
Unfortunately, bringing the fellas along added a whole other dimension to the tension because Kenya was man hunting, and she didn’t give a damn if the man was married or single. All in all, the whole Anguilla trip felt like a rehash of Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married?” sequel.
The producers tried to inject a little romance and suspense by having Kandi show up solo and pouting that her boyfriend Todd couldn’t make it. But since he was a producer on the show in the past, he knows a thing or two about the element of surprise for TV, so he shows up “unexpectedly” and makes the trip after all. Yeah, okay. Cause you book an international trip last minute and happen to conveniently squeeze in on the same flight.
Kenya started the trip off with some foul shade when she ignored the hell out of Porsha and her husband Kordell. She greeted every damn body with a “Hi! How are you?” but skated right on by Ms. Porsha like she was invisible. This is the shit we tune in for.
Once everyone arrives the merry gang heads off.
Upon arrival in Anguilla, the gang rides in a boat to reach their destination. For some reason, the captain of the boat lets Krazy Kenya have a go at the wheel and fires that baby up and has people spillin their drinks and busting their titties out of their tops.

Letting Kenya steer that boat is like giving the keys to Lindsay Lohan: A very bad idea.
After NeNe damn near lost her cookies, they arrive at the hotel and get a tour of the place. As the hotel staff show each couple their rooms, Kenya gets to complaining when she gets an eyeful of her junior suite.
Her main gripes: No bath tub, too small and the toilet isn’t in its own closet. Surprisingly, she didn’t complain about there not being a bidet.
As Kenya spazzes out on the bed about her awful room, Walter asks if she’s taken her meds. That’s what we’ve been wondering all season long.
Later on in the evening, the gang hit up the pool for some liquor-fueled diversions. This being a bunch of black folks, wasn’t nobody trying to get in the pool and get their hair wet.
So Walter was swimming in the pool all by his lonesome. Apollo was the only dude besides Walter in his swimsuit. Gregg probably didn’t want to show off his beer keg belly and ditto for Uncle Ben (Peter).
Kenya decided to take advantage of the fact that Apollo was shirtless to put her hands on him, so she playfully shoved Apollo into the pool.
Phaedra’s face looked like a woman who’d just caught her husband playing footsie with his mistress under the table. She was NOT pleased and she stayed mean mugging Kenya the whole time.
Her eyebrows raised even more when Apollo got out of the pool and picked Kenya up and tossed her into the water.
Kenya loved the feeling of Apollo’s strong arms right under her booty so she was pleased as all hell to get all wet in the name of flirting. Never mind the guy who she swears she’s going to marry, Walter, bearing witness to Kenya shamelessly throwing herself at a married man.

If Kenya is REALLY trying to persuade Walter to propose, she’s giving him no good reason to. Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg already told y’all: You can’t make a ho a housewife.
But Kenya wasn’t done with messing with other people’s men yet. She also booty popped and dropped it in front of Peter’s old-man crotch, while his wife Cynthia took care of things from behind.

Now this is funny because Cynthia kept saying in her confessionals that if Peter had picked Kenya up and thrown her in the pool that she would’ve had a big problem with that. But she’s okay with Kenya freaking her husband in front of everybody? Cynthia be tripping.
Not wanting to let Kenya steal the show, the next morning Phaedra comes out in a fishnet-looking top with a damn thong on.
Yes, Miss Phaedra Parks, attorney-at-law, had her ass cheeks on display for the day. Take that, Kenya Moore.
To be honest though, Apollo looked more appalled than turned on by his wife’s outfit. But hey, all eyes were definitely on Phaedra instead of Kenya for at least 5 minutes. So there’s a small victory to hang her hat on.
Since this is a couples trip, everyone got some alone time with their significant others. Once Kenya got some one-on-one time with her boo, she continued her full-court press on the “Marry Me” front. Walter, who has tried to politely rebuff her strong advances, asked if she really was ready to be married.
Kenya responded that she was essentially ready to take the plunge because she’s tired of waiting. In other words, she let Walter know he may not be Mr. Right, but he’s Mr. Right Now so she’s ready to do it to it. Then she suggested it would be easier if they just eloped.
Walter, run and don’t look back. Kenya Moore is the Joker, but if you walk down the aisle with her, there won’t be anything to laugh about.

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“Basketball Wives L.A.” Recap: All Bets Are Off

It’s time for all of the lies, deceits and trickeries to step out and into the light.
At the beginning of the episode, the trash pack of “Basketball Wives L.A.” gather for their last few days in New Orleans. They start the day out by going to a cooking class with a dude who looks like Andre the Giant.
They get to cooking, but the only thing Jackie is interested in mashing is Laura’s face, not no mashed potatoes. That’s because Chaney, Jackie’s daughter, has revealed to her mother that she had contact with Laura.
When Jackie confronts Laura about the conversation, Laura actually womans up and has a one-on-one conversation with Jackie about her daughter and their relationship. Instead, Laura gets teary-eyed and confesses that she didn’t have the best of intentions in speaking with Jackie’s daughter.
Who is this woman and what did she do with the she-devil we’ve been watching all season long?
It’s weird to see Laura go from ice-cold bitch to sniffling sensitive Sally. Nothing seems to faze Laura, not even her sister’s crumbling personal life, so why this?
Guess the Grinch really does have a heart after all. Or does she have ulterior motives? We’ll have to wait and see.
The girls embark on a swamp tour, at Malaysia’s insistence, in an attempt to continue bonding and mending fences. Yeah. So far that hasn’t worked out so well, but maybe things will go better with the ladies playing in their element.
Laura, being the daredevil that she is, is psyched about feeding the crocodiles. You half expect Jackie to come up from behind her and push Laura right into the damn crocodile’s mouth. But Jackie is on her best behavior, so she keeps it cute and just side-eyes Laura the whole trip.
Sidenote: It’s amazing that the crocodile seems to have a better make-up game than Jackie Christie. Get yo’ life, crocodile.

America’s least wanted on this trip are the Govan sisters. Given their stank, holier than thou attitudes the whole season, you can hardly blame the rest of the ladies for having it up to here with their bullshit.
Well, everyone except Brooke that is, who’s chillin’ with these witches by default because she’s on the outs with her gal pal Draya.
Interestingly, the catalyst of much of the beef and surge of fury against the Govans isn’t coming from Jackie. It’s coming from Bambi. And she’s gunning for Gloria.
For reasons known only to Bambi, she’s really fuckin’ mad that Gloria dared to say she shouldn’t have an opinion because she’s a newbie.
So now, Bambi takes every opportunity she can to shove her boots down Gloria’s throat. She hollers at her about being a fake bitch, a loser bitch, a rude bitch, a dumb bitch, a lying bitch. Every kind of bitch. It’s all just … wow
.
And Bambi doesn’t stop there. She’s running around talking about how her homies said they smashed Gloria in the studio, basically painting Gloria as a cheap trick.
Now true or not true, Bambi is doin’ the most at this point. Gloria hasn’t done anything THAT damaging to Bambi’s rep so going nuclear on her over this one slight seems a bit extreme.

Next up, Draya and Brooke wanna rehash their drama over this damn King photo shoot.
Who knew that women were this obsessed with receiving the honor of being an object of masturbation material for a thousand men around the world?
At the end of the day, both ladies have a point. Brooke is a little too
damn invested in this King magazine cover. It’s one cover and it’s for a flop magazine. Get over yourself girl.
On the other hand, Draya WAS stank about the whole thing and she did try to minimize Brooke’s accomplishments because she x’d herself out of the shoot.
So you’d think these two could come to terms with this and move on. But nope. Brooke stay wanting to huff and puff about this damn thing over and over and over again. It’s become a subject that’s more tired than Jackie Christie’s wet ‘n’ wavy. Naw.
Now these are some schemin’ ass bitches. So Draya tells Bambi and Malaysia that she’s sick and she can’t hang with the girls. Brooke, Gloria and Laura, however, bump into Draya’s manager hanging around New Orleans.
This strikes the Govans as peculiar because, well, people don’t just randomly fly out to hang out in Nawlins.
So they theorize that he’s there on wor,k and that Draya’s playing hooky and isn’t really sick at all. So Brooke calls up Draya to find out what she’s been up to and Draya tells her that she’s been sick but that she did
work today.
Draya then tells Brooke that she needs to talk with her about hanging out with the Govans, to which Brooke (who can’t even figure out how to pronounce these bitches’ names) says that she’s gotten to know them quite well and won’t be talked out of hanging out with them.
You told her, bitch.
Gloria and her conniving self then calls up Draya’s manager and gets him to confirm that Draya did a radio interview by pretending that she wants to do an interview with the same radio station as Draya. Her manager falls for the bait and Gloria smiles her devilish smile.
For someone who’s so concerned about keeping her private life private, Gloria sure enough does like digging into other people’s personal business.

The last two scenes of BBWLA devolves into a series of shouting matches. Brooke and Draya scrap on the bus with Brooke accusing Draya of not knowing how to run a business.
Huh? But Draya seems to be running Draya, Inc. just fine so what is Brooke talking bout? Matter of fact, didn’t Draya’s business get Brooke a spot on the show? Somebody done forgot where they came from.
Then Bambi throws herself in the mix by buckin’ on Gloria again. It’s hard to know if Bambi’s really mad at Gloria or if she really just wants to get into Gloria’s draws. Cause the way Bambi is all over Gloria’s clit seems more like a crush than beef.
Then these bitches broke bread one more time. Brooke and Draya had another round of the video girl wars and Jackie got all tearful about her daughter again and started pounding on the table about how she’s a good mother and how she didn’t appreciate what Laura did.

It was kind of a powerful moment. Then you remember all of the awful true stories that Jackie’s daughters shared with the world about how she pitted one against the other and neglected them. So clearly, Jackie’s interpretation of events isn’t matching up with reality.

It did, however, have Draya in tears, and her ass left her son to his own devices while she hit the strip clubs (allegedly!) so you know it takes a lot bother her spirit. But Laura sat there stone-faced like a gargoyle.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a wrap on season two of BBWLA.
Thank God. This shit dragged on forever and was one-fourth the fun of “Love and Hip Hop Atlanta.”
If VH1 wants to bring this show back, they need to REBOOT the entire cast. Get rid of everybody, except for maybe Jackie. Her constant crazy is worth watching at least one more time.

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